Script for A Womxn Destroyed Performance by Amanda Stojanov:
[Start] Breathing – 4 breaths
“Under a lifetime of vigilance and fear of bodily harm often lies a bedrock of rage” (Febos, 2021)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“I just stay here stewing in my own shit.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it.
Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.
I’m sick!” (Beauvoir,1969, p. 98)
“… You’re taking your revenge you’re torturing me because I haven’t drooled in admiration before you” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.120)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
I’m sick of always worrying about what everyone else needs. I’m sick of not saying no. I’m sick at cowering at myself. Full of shame and fear. I’m sick of being afraid to be wrong. I want to be wrong!
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“No compromise no act: that proper little [womxn] was me all right. I’m clean, I’m [queer] I don’t join in any act: that makes them mad - they hate being seen through they want you to believe the stuff they hand out or at least to pretend to” (Beauvoir,1969, p.92)
“My serious thoughtful voice makes me feel sick: what I should really like to do is scream” (Beauvoir,1969, p.95)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
I can’t remember the last time I screamed with rage. I think that would feel good. Hmmm.
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“I reason I explain I prove: patiently step by step I force them to the truth I think they’re following me and then I ask “What have I just said?” They don’t know the stuff themselves with mental earplugs and if a remark happens to get through their answer is just so much [crap]” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.102)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“I didn’t let it worry me all that much I knew all I had to do was wait and one day
[they] would understand and [they] would say I was the one who was in the right and not them and cram it down their throats” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.96)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
I’m exhausted, burnt out, my hormones are all fucked up, I don’t even want to look at anyone. I’m sick of it.
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“They don’t like being seen through: as for me I’m [queer] I don’t join their act I tear masks off. They don’t forgive me for that” (Beauvoir, 1969, p. 99)
“When I think back over it, it seems to me that if anyone had loved me properly I should have
been affection itself” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.111)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
The burning shameful truth is I left myself neglected. A total abandonment. Each time I said yes but meant no. Each time I moved, loved, did in the image of someone else. When I bent, and curled, and cowered so they could stand tall. Each time I desperately wanted to be liked and acted in the way I believed they wanted me to, objectifying myself out of being. Ouch.
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“[Shitheads]! You nearly got me down but you didn’t quite succeed. I’m not your scapegoat: your remorse—I’ve thrown it off. I’ve told you what I think of you - each one has had [their] dose and I’m not afraid of your hatred I walk clean through it. [Shitheads]!” (De Beauvoir, 1969, p.116)
“They are killing me the [shitheads]... I must win. I must I must I must I must I must” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.111)
[Breathe]
“I used to like the moon it was like me; and they’ve mucked it up like they muck everything up …” (Beauvoir, 1969, p.91)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
But I’m not like the moon. Or I am, or, well, I’m like… uh I’m so tired of explaining myself. I’m too expansive for you anyway. I am and will be whatever whenever I want. I can feel rage and delight both at the same time… if I want.
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
“I don’t intend to oblige them, thank you very much indeed. I want to live I want to come to life again” (Beauvoir,1969, p.101)
[Breathe and close my eyes switch voices]
Why don’t you tell me who you are? What you want? What makes you, sick? And if you want anything else from me, it’s going to be a no, sickos.
[End] Breathing, 4 breaths.
Beauvoir, Simone de. (1969). The Woman Destroyed. Collins Publisher.
Febos, Melissa. (2021). Girlhood: Bloomsbury Publishing
A Womxn Destroyed 2023
Tune into ‘A Womxn Destroyed’ a live performance on Twitch,
July 30th 2023 at 5pm.
View the performance here:
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1885961129This project was created for a special issue of Liminalities: A Journal of Performance Studies: http://liminalities.net/DPL.html
Publication Forthcoming
A Womxyn Destroyedis a performance that delves into the anger felt by femme or femme-identified individuals who have traversed the spectrum of femme experiences, embracing, transforming, or relinquishing this identity while frequently concealing these emotions. Through this virtual performance, I create a space for the expression and exploration of anger.
The first performance will be by the creator of the project Amanda Stojanov.
Please follow https://www.twitch.tv/astojano for updates on future performances and a workshop on how to create your own metahuman.
The texts referenced in the first performance are:
Beauvoir, Simone de. (1969). The Woman Destroyed. Collins Publisher
Febos, Melissa. (2021). Girlhood: Bloomsbury Publishing.